Haunting Memories
by Stefen
Summary: Stef remembers Van after Van's death. Slash implied, sort of. Please review!


This is a one-shot about Stef after Van dies. I know I haven't used proper sentences at some points but it is supposed to be like that. I hope you like it. Please review.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Haunting Memories  
  
Stefen shifted his head from the pillow where it had been lying for the past two hours. Tears streamed down his face, dampening his scarlet robes. A week had passed since Vanyel had died defending his beloved country. Without Stef...  
  
Tears burst more furiously from his eyes as Stef thought of his love. That he had died... that he had died without Stef by his side...  
  
Stefen felt an emptiness inside of him, a hole which a mere week ago had been full. He had been loved, wanted, needed... All that, gone. He didn't even get to see him afterward...  
  
Overcome with grief Stef stood, wiping his face roughly. Composing himself, he got ready to go for a walk. He needed to get out of his room. He didn't know where he was going to go but he knew he had to go somewhere.  
  
Suddenly Stefen choked, a fresh wave of emotion coming over him. The many times that he had quickly gotten changed after his and Van's various antics came immediately to his mind. He remembered them both getting up in a hurry and Van still spending time to 'assist' Stef in clothing himself. He remembered his caring hands, his gentle touch.  
  
Abruptly Stefen shook himself, dispelling his state of paralysed recollection with a shake of his head.  
  
'I can't do this,' he thought dejectedly. 'I need to think of something else.'  
  
Determined, he walked swiftly towards the wooden door of his room, ignoring the thunder and lightening that crashed outside the Collegium. He pulled on his scarlet cloak in a single, fluid motion, despite his shaking hands, and stepped out into the hall.  
  
A new memory struck him. Medren telling him that he was to play away King Randale's pain. The realisation that the Herald-Mage Vanyel Ashkevron Demonsbane, Shadowstalker would be there. The knowledge that his chance to woo said Herald-Mage was finally here. Little did he know...  
  
Stefen stumbled forward, intent on turning his wandering mind elsewhere. He staggered to the end of the hall aimlessly, soon realising that it was raining outside and he really didn't feel like being drenched. In the action of turning around, something caught Stef's eye. The astronomy tower.  
  
Memory triumphed once again over Stefen's wavering control. He recalled Van jumping up, away from his soothing hands. He remembered grabbing both their coats and running out these very doors. Kilchas. Kilchas had died falling from this tower. Stef remembered Van's grief-stricken cry and his utter confusion at the whole incident. He remembered himself comforting Van's hurt, easing his pain, his confusion...  
  
Momentum pushed Stefen forward until he could no longer see the astronomy tower. Tears threatening to take hold once more, Stef continued to stumble back the way he had come, passing his door. He persisted until he reached the Audience Chamber, five minutes later.  
  
Recollection ensued. Stef reminisced of his and Vanyel's first encounter. He remembered himself playing his fingers almost to the bone and Van's concerned frown. He remembered Van's complete, breath-taking beauty and his instant enthrallment. He recalled his lack of breath and heart beat as Van looked upon him and touched him for the first time. Stefen remembered Vanyel taking his hand and leading him to his rooms. He remembered Van tending to the bloody mess that was his hands. Stef recalled the extreme amount of alcohol they consumed that night and his disappointment when he was unable to lure Van to his bed. Him, waking up entirely perplexed, to the sound of a closing door.  
  
Voices interrupted Stefen's torrid musings. Hurriedly, he continued on down the hall until the sounds faded completely. Sniffing slightly he rested against the stone wall beside him. He shakily lifted a hand to his forehead and wiped his brow. This wasn't fair. Everything reminded him of Van. Van...  
  
Walking further, he came to Savil's former room. He slowed out of respect then stopped, as yet another on slaughter of memory bombarded him. Stef waking up to Van half-way across the room, wild, silver eyes frantic with worry. His scream for his aunt and his scrabble for the door. Van running towards this very door and yanking it open to find his beloved Savil's body ripped to shreds. The look of fury and anguish in Van's eyes before he was overcome with a cold need for vengeance. Then Stef supporting him as he collapsed grief-stricken.  
  
Heart pounding, Stefen realised where he was. Timidly he made his way down towards the door and opened it.  
  
Stef's heart lurched, jumping into his throat. Finally, any fake hold he had over his emotions tore away from him and he quickly closed the door behind him, crumpling against its solid surface. Sitting on the floor he sobbed, looking around Vanyel's room forlornly.  
  
The window, where Van had stood before leaving for Rethwellan, telling Stef miserably of his trip; the chairs, where he had given Vanyel his gift of an amber mage-focus and had given him many a massage; the bed, where they had made love and laid happily in each other's company. All... together.  
  
Never again would they do any of those things. Never again would they be together.  
  
Stef sat uncomfortably on the stone floor, weeping uncontrollably. Never before had he felt such a loss. It was as though his very reason for being had gone; as though all the light in the world had vanished, leaving Stefen alone in the darkness. No more joy. No more discovery. No more love.  
  
Stef could still smell Van's scent; it lingered in the air and even on Stef's clothes. He could still feel Van's soft breath in his ear and his gentle weight on Stef's chest as they slept. Sometimes he even thought he saw Vanyel and his beautiful smile.  
  
He could still hear Van's last words to him.  
  
"I love you, too. You're absolutely the best friend, the dearest love I've ever had. I'll love you as long as there's anything left of me. Now go – quickly. I won't have my whole attention on what I'm doing if you're not safe."  
  
They echoed through him; haunting his dreams and giving him waking nightmares.  
  
Stefen remembered feeling Vanyel die and his disbelief and inability to comprehend it. Nothing mattered but the ache in his heart, in his soul, the empty place that said Vanyel.  
  
Stef's heart contracted.  
  
'I can't do this. I can't survive without him. I'll wither away to dust, merely a ghost of who I once was. That's got to be worse than death.'  
  
Van's brilliant smile, the one that made his knees weak flared to the forefront of his mind, causing Stef to whimper in agony.  
  
'Vanyel...'  
  
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Some of the memories didn't actually happen in the books, such as the whole Van helping Stef to get dressed but I'm sure they could have happened at some point. Work with me here!!!  
  
Please review! 


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